Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
You Might Also Like
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.