“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
new career option?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
That time Alicia messaged me
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”