Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
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Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves