“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
You Might Also Like
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]