beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
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Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave