My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
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Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
How dramatic are you?
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”