I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
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what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no