James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
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I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Lassie, get help!
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
#milo
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.