Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
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Guantanamo Bae
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.