[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
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[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.