Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
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One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
North and South
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat