*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
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This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”