police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
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I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit