A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
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My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”