My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
You Might Also Like
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
My brain is a bad influence on me
my sentiments exactly
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!