Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
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Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
dutch is not a serious language
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws