cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
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My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
“I FIXED IT!”
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
#Caturday
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Found the job I’m suited for
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.