An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
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I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
live long and prosper!
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.