It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
You Might Also Like
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.