My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
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[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”