People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
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Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.