[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.