They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
You Might Also Like
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
My five year plan is a meteorite
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
He just like my cat fr
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division