Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
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What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.