“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
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Me if I was a dog
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.