ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
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Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here