I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
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store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol