Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
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Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
This raises questions
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u