“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
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me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.