gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
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Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
me hooking up with my ex
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating: