WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
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Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude