Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
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* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.