Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
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Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
What?!?