Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
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70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
this is 10/10 content no notes
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN