Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
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I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Happy birthday to all the women
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I’m listening
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.