I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
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Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh