I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.