How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
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13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Support your local cemetery
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.