I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
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[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.