Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
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*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I have so many questions.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I’m giving up for Lent.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991