Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
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I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
me adding lol on a serious message
mathematically impossible
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.