“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
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Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Put a ring on it
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.