You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
You Might Also Like
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves