I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
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GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works