Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
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No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”