Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
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Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.