[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
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Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.