I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
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I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
titanic
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.