20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
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My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
waiting for halloween be like:
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Somebody call the cops.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!