[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
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mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.